Church Chuckles

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Church Chuckles

As we all know, God loves to watch us smile and laugh.  When we laugh, He laughs.  If you have any good jokes (G-rated and church appropriate) or amusing anecdotes, please send them to webmaster@stjohnvillapark.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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New Old Computing Sayings

The Internet has changed everything, even these tried and true traditional sayings:

+ Wherever I lay my @, that's my home.

+ The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.

+ A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

+ Great groups from little icons grow.

+ Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

+ Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

+ Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

+ The modem is the message.

+ The geek shall inherit the earth.

+ A chat has nine lives.

+ Don't byte off more than you can view.

+ Fax is stranger than fiction.

+ What boots up must come down.

+ Windows will never cease.

+ In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).

+ The words of the Prophets are written on the Facebook wall.

+ Virtual reality is its own reward.

+ Modulation in all things.

+ There's no place like home dot com.

+ Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

+ Speed thrills.

+ A user and his leisure time are soon parted

Norman was in his front garden mowing his lawn, when his neighbor, Libby, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

Ten minutes later Libby came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily she stormed back into the house.

As Norman was putting his mower away, Libby came out once again. She marched up to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed.

Puzzled by her distress Norman asked, 'What's wrong with your mailbox Libby?'

To which she replied, 'It's my stupid computer it keeps telling me, 'New Mail has Arrived'.'

How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good

1. Open a new file on your computer.

2. Entitle it 'Housework.'

3. Place it in the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

6. Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.

7. Now you feel much better.

The IT director advertises that he needs a secretary. Necessary skills: document forming, computer knowledge and a foreign language. After a couple of days a dog walks in.

"I'm an open minded person," the pale-turned boss stutters, "but I need someone who can form documents..."

The dog sits down behind the computer and compiles a totally decent business letter.

"Yes, but the IT-knowledge..."

The dog quickly writes a little program.

"Well, but foreign language?" the totally amazed director asks.

"Meow!" says the dog.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he replied, 'I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

When I Was Young - A Funny Computer Poem

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

 

Author Unknown

During a recent password audit, it was found that a user was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyParis"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

Fun with Tech Support

 

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Customer: My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I can't get in.
Advisor: Has he forgotten it?
Customer: No he just won't tell me it because I've grounded him.

Customer: 'My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word document, so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't fit!'

Tech Support 'Press any key to continue.
Customer: I can't find the 'Any' key.

Tech Support: 'Ok, in the bottom left of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Tech Support Can you click on 'My Computer'?
Customer: I don't have your computer, just mine.

Tech Support You have Spyware on your machine which is causing the problem.
Customer: Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?

Customer: My iPod will only play one song.
Tech Support Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes?
Customer: Do I need to download tracks?

Tech Support: 'Have you made backups of your software and data?'
Customer: 'I didn't know it had a reverse.'

Customer: How do I change channel on my monitor?
Tech Support Your monitor won't have channels like a TV.
Customer: But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now I just get the word processing channel.

Customer: My mouse mat isn't wired up.
Tech Support I'm not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any wires.
Customer: Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?

Customer: 'All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!'
Tech Support: 'Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?'

Customer: 'No, I don't . I just know it was on my C: drive.'
Tech Support: 'Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files.'

Customer: 'I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday.'